September 8, 2017

WHAT'S THE HOLD UP








Jacket: Zara | Bustier: Topshop | Shoes: Zara 

I'm beyond exhausted of being asked that day old question: "why am I single?" Mainly in part because the sentence right after goes something like "you must be picky or difficult". If I wanna talk about the "worldly" reasons why I am single this could take all day. But my pause is completely a spiritual/personal decision to take time & take care of me so that I can be the woman that the man God fashioned for me deserves. Highly doubtful that I'm the only girl who still believes that God has one person for every person. But the truth is that we were all made to love one person only. Literally dating anyone other than that person is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole or what ever other shapes that don't fit together. It just doesn't work. And it will never work. No matter how much you love someone. No matter how much you give. No matter how hard you try to be the person for that person, it just won't work. So I guess what I am saying is that I am on pause for the square to fit my square or whatever. It's super funny (but not) that every time I have a conversation on dating with someone of the opposite sex. That conversation pretty much goes like... "tell me what your like in a relationship so I can tell you what you should be like". But the thing is that I cannot be fixed, not to be what any man other than my "square" needs or deserves. As far as relationships, I don't have many to speak of. I tend to go after those emotionally unavailable guys out there. You know, the ones that need fixing; the damsel in distress guy. At 28, I have survived two committed relationships and a bunch of "what are we's". My last relationship ended five years ago (insert flushed faced emoji here) but staying busy with my career & friends has kept me from identifying with being "single". I was literally that friend that was okay being a third wheel. Don't get me wrong I have been incredibly lucky to experience some of the most overwhelming, insane, "your the reason I breathe" kind of love. That "I would be okay if today was my last day on Earth" kinda love. I know that sounds pretty intense but I was made to love. How deeply I love is what makes me me. And even though I had fault in all my relationships I'm pretty sure that every one of my exes would agree. But five years is a long time and I wish I could say that I used this time wisely but singleness kinda smacked me in the face more recently. One thing I can say is that love has grown me in countless ways. It has revealed strengths I never knew I had but also highlighted many areas of opportunity. So with no other choice than to confront it I am forced to determined what the best version of Lexi looks like. Relationships end and everyone wants to blame the other person but connections are never ruined by one or the other. It's a relationship and both people play a part in why it fell apart. Me, I love so hard and selflessly that when my relationships end I always feel taken advantage of. But I realize that I love out of insecurity, a need to be needed, self identity and value. I was that girl in a relationship that looked for approval like "you tell me what I like to eat, wear, and do for fun". Kinda like that girl who was supposed to marry Prince Hakeem in the beginning of Coming to America. That was me. Anything for approval. Looking back I realize how unattractive this is, it literally casts a shadow over every other thing you have going for you. And if there is one thing I have learned is that in order to have a successful relationship (or friendship even) you have to come in knowing WHO THE HECK YOU ARE. The whole you cuz your other half ain't him. Secondly, you can't be trying to sell something you don't believe in, if you don't love yourself then why should he? Third, put God first (this is honestly number 1). And lastly, your relationship should be the cherry, not the whole cupcake. For me, dating stopped being dating for fun five years ago.  My interest is in meeting my husband, the man I'm going to do life with, who is going to  lead me in the word of God, raise my children, celebrate my successes, encourage me in my failures and push me to walk in my purpose. So I really took the time to reflect on my failed relationships and determined 1) What type of man do I want to be with? Gods best, consistent, does what he says, brings out the best in me, loves me in deed, concerned for me 2) What does he feel like? Home/magic and 3) How this relationship is different? He pursues me,  I feel safe, I'm a priority. Another thing I did was write down a list of my non-negotiables on "how to love me". In writing this list I realized the #1 way to love me is to: Trust Me. I can't be with someone who is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Walls up doesn't work for me. So to my sisters out there dealing with a recent breakup or lingering residual emotions linked to a failed relationship; look forward, what you could've done different doesn't matter now. Focus on how you can be a better partner in the future. Find your happy & love will come...and it's okay if it isn't tomorrow, the next day, the next year or five. God is preparing you for him, and him for you. I think we can all agree that you don't want to end up with a rushed version or with not Gods best for you. xx