October 22, 2017

Check-In

Jacket: thrift | Bralette: Topshop | Pant: Topshop | Shoe: Jessica Simpson


Happy Sunday. Hope you all had a wonderful weekend. This is really just a free write since I have found it very challenging to write or finish anything worth while lately. I hit a wall not in ideas, but on expanding those ideas into something worth sharing that would be uplifting and encouraging. I always want you all to leave my blog feeling better than you came. The thoughts are there, I have many floating around in my noggin but the execution is a struggle as I am in need of the encouragement that I am shelling out. Don't get me wrong, encouraging others encourages me but I just got through a week of six consecutive 15-hours shifts in a job that I am not passionate about nor that I have hope of a future in. So, needless to say I am exhausted and a little bit discouraged. But like I told my mom this morning "There is a lesson in this. God is preparing me for something greater and one day I will work 15-hour days for myself". This is my reality. God has placed me in this no future job for a reason. To learn how to lead, to learn compassion and patience, and to be obedient to Him as he prepares me for the next chapter. I can either continue to let my thoughts consume me or I can speak the word and the word says that He has given me hope and a future. I will stand on that because I know that as I am faithful to Him where I am He is working everything out for my good. I have the victory and I am going to trust Him even when it doesn't look good. Now your thinking easier to say than to live, and you would be absolutely correct. I did a little experiment this week. Lately I have felt really down on myself, waking up every morning feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and I had to wonder where these feelings were coming from. Just weeks ago I was thriving. I was attacking my negative thoughts with truth, I was actively writing for my blog at least twice a week, I was excited about my future, hopeful and truly satisfied in the trajectory of my life. For the first time I wasn't afraid of turning 29, 30...I was embracing it. Then one day out of nowhere I woke up and it was all gone. I felt sad, afraid and started doubting myself again. This went on for two whole weeks before I took a pause and dug into why these feelings surfaced. What did I realize? I wasn't guarding my heart. This was around the same time Jhene Aiko's new album had come out and I love love love me some Jhene but her music isn't for me right now. In certain seasons, certain things are just not for you. And this was not the season for love-focused music. I am dealing with a lot and literally this album was feeding the flame of all these things. Each song was giving life to a place in my heart that stores weariness, sadness, or bitterness from my past. I played New Balance, Newer Balance, You are Here and Never Call Me repeatedly and they ignited sadness, then anger, then regret, then resentment. It kept me shackled to the past and that is not where I want to live. I have an amazing future ahead of me, I know this 100% and I can't get to that amazingness holding onto the pain that my past has brought me. God kept showing me that my future is forward. Learn the lesson and move forward. Recognize the blessing and moving forward. Embrace who you are today and move forward. I am subscribed to a couple of apps like Sprinkle of Jesus and Beyond Sundays and literally everyday I get confirmations of this like God is faithful to wreck your plans before they wreck you, You can't see new beginnings if you are unwilling to make hard endings, What if giving up something will open space for something better? Like literally this was the chain of confirmation I was getting from him through the podcasts I was listening to, in the book i am currently reading and in my app notifications. God was letting me know that the things I lost do not even hold a candle to what he was bringing forth. This was the truth I needed to be feeding on, not Jhene talking about how much of a shame it would be if a dude was running game on her and how she prayed the same dude was who he was saying he was. Or how he never called her. Those are lies from the enemy set up to destroy me. I am a lover. Like my gift to those in my life is love. I know this. The enemy knows this and he knows that if I continue to live in fear of love always ending in heartbreak that I will never love again and truly I would be depriving myself and my person a great deal if I loved with walls up. So like I said certain things are not meant for you certain seasons. I had to realize that sometimes you have to give up things that you love in order to preserve yourself & the space and energy around you. All that to say that I immediately deleted the album from my phone. And this week I only listened to gospel or my favorite uplifting podcasts during my commute. It made a difference. This is not to say that there weren't days that I had to battle with myself but on those days I didn't reach for things that were destructive, instead I reached for truth in the word of God, affirmations pod, & my favorite songs Hang On by G E I and You Are My Strength My Strength by William Murphy. Don't let what you don't know about your future destroy the joy God wants to give you today!!!

*Sidenote: the minute I finished writing this post I felt the overwhelming urge to take a listen to that album knowing it isn't good for my emotional well being. The enemy is trying to deter me from the path. Stand strong in your convictions and stay on guard. He is like a lion waiting to devour *