|Sweatshirt: H&M / Skirt: Topshop / Boots: Zara|
One of the reasons I write my prayers down is so it is tangible, and I am able to look back and see the growth, month by month, year by year. I just started in my fifth journal on the 12th so today I took a moment to read the first prayer I journaled, written on April 1st. I want to share a little excerpt with you "Lord, I am really struggling to make sense of my life right now. I know that this individual was put in my life for a purpose but I also know that I made this person a priority above everyone and everything, including you. Help me to focus on growing as a person, spiritually and on my goals. I am also hurting with thoughts that after all my energy given that I was not worth setting childish things aside and showing me appreciation. I know that there is someone that you have for me, please help me to focus on that and preparing myself for when you introduce us instead of dwelling on my past. Please give me discernment as far of pursuing friendship with this individual. Allow me to take responsibility for my disobedience to you. Give me the strength not to allow my emotions to drive me back into the same situation. Draw me close to you when I am sad. Remind me that you are with me. Deliver me from my fear of being alone and not making anything of my life. Remind me that you have a plan. Encourage me and allow me to see the lesson in this season of singleness. Prepare me for what is next. Teach me to stand in my truth, speak up and communicate how I feel to those around me. Deliver me from my obsession with TV. Lead me to your word and not social media when I am feeling lonely and depressed. Remind me that you know what is best for me. Keep my eyes stayed on you so that I will not dwell on my circumstance. Teach me how to leave my burdens with you."
Now this is the prayer I jotted down before bed on Nov 17th: " Thank you for bringing me back to gratitude. I can see that I had a successful year kicking and screaming. Lord I put my goals and dreams in your hands. I know that you are on top of it. I know that when you see fit you will give me the desires of my heart as they align with your will. Lord I know that you are preparing me for what is to come in my next season. I thank you for everything that came my way. I have learned patience, strength like never before. I have learned how to lean on you. Thank you for trusting me with the trials that have grown me up. I thank you that I have learned to accept myself for who I am and who you say I am. I thank you that you have shown me purpose in my writing. I ask for your continued guidance and wisdom as I continue to walk as your lead and do not move ahead of you. That I will recognize your voice above my own emotions and feeling. I pray that i will focus on my own goals and not compare my year one with others year 10. I am right where I am supposed to be and right where you would have me to be. Nothing that has happened to me was an accident. It was all for a purpose to grow me, to give me purpose, to heal me and those who you put before me and to draw me into a closer relationship with you. You are so faithful. I thank you for the foundation you are laying in my life. I know that you and you alone can heal my heart of the hurts of my past. I recognize that rejection was for my protection and I thank you. I thank you for shutting doors while not allowing others to open. I know that you know best and have my best interest. Clear my mind. Clear the clutter in my brain. Teach me how to let the day go. I relinquish today. Today came and I kicked butt and now I let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda's. I will not dwell on or focus on the days ahead. I will stay present right here right now knowing that you are in control and are working it all out. You have given me everything I need to be successful even on my worst days. I trust you and I trust your plan and I know that my future is bright with you leading the way. I love you. Thank you for never giving up on me, for forgiving me, and restoring me, for removing my sin far from me. I pray that I will be intentional about guarding my heart. That I will be careful about what I allow into my eyes & ears. That I will not participate in mindless banter or unhealthy activities. That I will be choosy about who I allow to walk into this new season with me. Give me the courage to walk away, to say no, to say yes, to be okay when others reject me. To be patient as I await the king you created just for me. That I will be prepared for him. That my heart will be healed for him. That I will be ready to walk in obedience with him as we deny ourselves to glorify you. I pray that he will lead me in your word. That we will both understand our union is to glorify you and that we will be a force in your kingdom. " All I have to say is that God answers prayers. I wrote that first prayer earlier this year in anguish, fear, desperation. In the latter written a couple days ago I have truly accepted that God is in control. That I can trust His plan, His will and His best for my life. I truly thank God for the pain I endured this year because it has brought me closer to Him, driven me to pursue my writing as a means of healing/helping others, be a better woman than I was yesterday, grow up & glow up!! I've never been this excited to walk into a new year. I've never been so excited about turning another year older (Christmas Eve). I feel the tide changing in my life because I am allowing God to lead the way. I know He got me like no one else does. Through Him alone have I let go of the resentment that lived in my heart. In Him I know that I have purpose & a future doing what I love with someone that I love & loves me just the same (if not more).